Melancholy

Tonight I am melancholic.

What does it take to survive the Rat Race?

I had the concept of service, but I realised that service which is not valued is not really service at all. Or even if it is valued but not appreciated. I am teaching my people to watch their back and for them to help watch mine (ie the internal organization) more than to service the client. Watch their back and also those they work with. What have I become?

I fully believe hard work does not cut it anymore. And yet, I cannot detach myself from the need to service, push harder, yearning to achieve the impossible because of...? What have I become?

I look around me, my gen x friends, and I see everyone is working so hard, so this is the new norm. I sleep only 6 out of 7 days nowadays due to travelling once every week on a night flight. Whilst catching up on sleep the other day, I wondered which person wants to achieve the kind of balance I have at my level - I should be sipping coffee and wine instead of losing sleep!!!

It was never my doubt on my own personal intellect, my enjoyment of the work I do and how it helps our clients, or how my esteemed organization is able to bring the best out of us all and deliver the type of high performance service. The problem I have struggled with in my entire working life and more so in the past few years is that this is not yet the best I can be. The best I can be to myself, the people I work for, the clients I service, the family I have. Still not the best.

There's always one person who will eventually break you. That person I've just found out is really my own self. Everyone else, every other action is reflected in me but I am still not at peace with my ownself.